Totally Satisfy – Any Woman

Totally Satisfy – Any Woman

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Description

The other night my boyfriend and I were lying in bed watching Louis C.K.’s Live: At The Beacon Theatre. At the end of his two-hour set, Louis starts talking about sex. The sexual dynamics between men and women is one of the easiest situations for comedians to poke fun at because our inability to understand the opposite sex combined with our need to satisfy said sex is kind of hilarious. When are we not screwing it up?

Louis jokes that men are generally bad at sex, hunching over the propped tabletop chair imitating a man humping like a gimped rabbit. He points out how men are always calling women needy when they want to cuddle after sex. “She’s not needy, you idiot, she’s horny! Because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. Her p*ssy is on fire. ‘Cause it’s gone unf*cked completely!” Respect.

Louis closes with this: “If you f*ck a woman well she will leave you alone.”

I’m going to tell you right now: Louis is 100% accurate. Do us right and we will leave you the alone when it’s over, roll over happily and pass out. Girls can get cum-drunk too, man. How do you do us right? Let’s get started.

In my 28 years on this planet, I have learned a lot about sex. Mostly from practice. I like to think I’m a pretty good lay, but you know when I’m not a good lay? When I don’t actually want to be. We all do this sometimes. Great sex takes two people (sometimes three).

Sex is all about intuition, because every person is different and we all crave different things in the sack. It’s about being perceptive, wanting to satisfy your partner just as much as you want to get off yourself. You have to listen to her body, follow the signals and use every ounce of confidence you can muster.
Kissing

Kissing is deathly important. If you come in hard, suck the tongue out of our mouths and leave our face wet and gross, we won’t bother having sex with you. We’ll walk. Kissing should be a cat and mouse game. Chase her kisses and follow where she goes. Slip the tongue in after she gives you a little signal, use your tongue wisely and remember — you can go from alpha to beta to one kiss. Use your hands. Hold her head and neck gently and tilt it into yourself. Kiss her ears, her cheeks, her neck, her collarbone. Touch her body as you kiss her, sliding your hands over her back and shoulders. Tease. Play with her. Pull away, toy back. Kissing is rad when you treat it like a tease. This is the pre-game time: the moments when you let her body know what she will be in for once the clothes come off.
Undressing

Use your touch. Sometimes we want our clothes to be ripped off with fever and strength. Sometimes we want our shirts slid over our heads like a scene from some soft-core porn flick. Again, I can’t stress this enough, but you have to feel the mood. I remember one time my boyfriend whipped out a knife from his belt and cut my underwear off of me. It was so epic and hot I could have fainted there on the spot. [Editor’s Note: We do not recommend this unless you’re in a long-term relationship. Always use caution when handling knives, swords, etc.]

Take advantage of our bodies, and I don’t mean this in a derogatory way, but touch us. Play with our breasts, stomach, ass. Feel our perfect womanly curves. How you get us from clothed to naked is important, so have fun with it. What can you do to shock us? To tease us? To make us want to tell our friends about it the next day? You would want us to do the same to you, now wouldn’t you?