Entheos Academy – How to Deconstruct Your Partner’s Emotional Tantrums with John Howard

Entheos Academy – How to Deconstruct Your Partner’s Emotional Tantrums with John Howard

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Entheos Academy – How to Deconstruct Your Partner’s Emotional Tantrums with John Howard [WebRip – 1 MP4]

John Howard is a couples therapist, spiritual teacher and educator who teaches on the new science of relationship. He has a fun and irreverent way of helping people deepen their lives together.

Class OverviewEmotional communication is one of the most important aspects of relationship. In this class, we’ll learn how to address feelings, let go of reason & logic, & let our right brains drive interactions.

How to Deconstruct Your Partner’s Emotional TantrumsEmotional communication is one of the most important aspects of relationship and one that couples often have trouble with and complain about. Emotional communication is difficult because it is a different language from typical conversation. We must learn how to let go of reason and logic and let our right brains drive the interaction. We all benefit from learning how to address feelings and make our partners feel cared for, valued and respected.

The Top 10 Big Ideas

1 Feelings are a Different Language Speaking emotion is like learning a new language. The rules of typical conversation don’t apply. It is helpful to be able to ‘switch into’ emotion at will, like switching from German to Portuguese. When speaking emotion, don’t expect to have the same kind of conversation as a rational or casual conversation. Meaning and objectives are different when speaking emotion. Meaning is less based on facts and more based on validating a subjective experience. The objective is not a solution but to feel closer.

2 Suspend Logic and Reason Emotional communication activates the right hemisphere of the brain. The right is concerned with broader context and feelings. The left is more for logic and reason. When speaking emotion, don’t expect things to make sense. Don’t try to agree on facts or get into a debate of ideas. The most important task is to validate feelings, regardless of how crazy they sound.

3 Notice Your Own Feelings To speak emotion, you need to be in touch with your own feelings. Feel into your body before you speak. It helps to slow down your rate of speech so there is more room to feel. Then share what you’re feeling. Be aware of the difference between thoughts and feelings. Thoughts are ideas, feelings are emotions and sensations. Don’t be too nitpicky about it, though, we all have different ways of feeling and expressing emotion.

4 Notice Your Partner’s Feelings Pay close attention to your partner’s face, eyes and body language as you talk. Start guessing what feelings they may be having. You’re going to address those in a minute. Faces and eyes change quickly, so stay connected so your information can change in real time. Feelings are often expressed indirectly through movement, sounds, gestures and tone of voice. Learn to read those signs.

5 Label Emotions & Improve Your Vocabulary Print out one of those emotional cheat sheets from the internet—the ones with happy and sad faces. You don’t need more than a list of ten feelings. The list should include feelings like happy, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, lonely, tired, stressed, and surprised. Add a few others you relate to. Labeling your emotions is very helpful. Sometimes we feel something but we don’t know what it is or how to convey it to someone else. Practice decoding the sensations of your body into one emotional word from the list. This is the word you will share with your partner.

6 Listen for Emotional Keywords The most important part of what someone is saying in a feelings-driven conversation is any emotional keywords that are spoken or inferred. You can let go of most of the talking around these words, and train your ears to pick them up. As they are spoken or inferred, tag them in your mind to respond directly to them. This is especially helpful if people go on too long and cover a lot of ground when they speak about their feelings. Rather than get pulled in to the various topics they cover, keep your focus on the emotional keywords they mention.

7 You are Talking to a 4-Year Old When we are upset, we often regress to a younger mental age. When our feelings are hurt or we feel strongly about something, very often we are connected to feelings we have had trouble with before. Perhaps our partner or friend did something we are especially sensitive to because of how we grew up. If people have mistreated us before, feelings about those experiences get lumped into the present moment when we feel something similar. Imagine you’re talking to a young child, and adapt your speech accordingly. Offer support, love, care, holding and encouragement. Stay away from complicated concepts, philosophies, or ‘get yourself together!’ stuff, as we don’t use those with kids.

8 Speak Directly to the Emotion Now that you’re tagging emotional keywords in your mind, you want to respond directly to those emotions and not to the filler talk around them. Every emotion has a question attached to it. For example, fear tends to ask, “Will I be OK? Is it safe?” Insecurity often asks, “Do you like me? Will you stay with me?” Once you can tag which emotion you’re dealing with, your first response should answer the emotion’s question. For example, your partner may say, “Why do you always look at other women?!” The not so helpful answer is, “The male brain is programmed visually to scan its environment and assess potential mates—I can’t turn that off.” The helpful (i.e. direct) response that answers the emotional question would be, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”

9 Wonder What is Behind Anger Anger is known as a secondary emotion. Whenever you or someone you’re talking to gets angry, be curious what the preceding emotion was. Often it is in the realm of helplessness. We get angry when we feel our options for changing a situation are limited. If we can find the primary emotion, we can open up another range of options for change. One way to diffuse anger is to speak directly to the underlying emotion, so if you guess right (and helplessness, overwhelm and frustration are good guesses), then you can speak to those and the anger will melt away more quickly.

10 Use Your Nervous System Toolkit Remember our tools from earlier classes in this series. Use physical proximity, touch, tone of voice and eye contact to help bridge the gap and communicate you’re right there with your partner in their feelings. Moving toward your partner and showing care in these ways when they are upset supports a feelings-based interaction.

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